That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
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