dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
