This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
