Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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