Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
