I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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