Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
