I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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