so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
