I am spending my child support on dildos
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
