Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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