the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
When are your genitals available?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize