You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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