I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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