I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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