There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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