I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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