i was born a porn star she said
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
