oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
