I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
