you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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