bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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