These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
