Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
