i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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