seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
