What a fucking waste of an outfit
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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