You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
