He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
