Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
