Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
