KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize