so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
