i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
