"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
