So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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