I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
