how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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