Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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