his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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