he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
