If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Sponge bath it is.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
soo... how was my night?
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