I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
