I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
