So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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