it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
not ubering you a puppy
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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