I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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