He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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