guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
