her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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