She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
