how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
