Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
