Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
