bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Even my vagina gasped.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
you had me at cake vodka
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
