just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize