Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
