I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
