i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
