Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
