I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
